I have been thinking a lot the last few weeks about my pretence at being an accomplished runner when in actuality I am still struggling to get out three times a week, and last week at half marathon training I had no beans left & walked practically all the last mile. I can always find excuses for the gap between what I can run & how & what I’d love to be able to run. Last week’s energy shut down was arguably the outcome of not being well in the week before, having not rejigged my diet for running & needing more carbs, & for it being an oppressively hot & close evening (I so can’t run in the heat as already demonstrated).
I carry all my struggles, all my disappointment within, & know that I love being a runner, but that I don’t love running (yet). I have the kit, the coolmax t-shirts, the satellite watch, because it’s easy to be part of the running world & justify such items as necessary to my motivation. I love reading the magazines, although haven’t gone as far as to buy them each month. I do feel part of this universal running “club”. I can talk the running talk & love conversations with other runners. What I fall short on is my own expectation of myself to be a better runner. I have now entered the Bristol half marathon & so desperately want to run with dignity & enjoy (most) of it. I also want to run in a time that is respectable (but that I feel is beyond the realms of reality). I don’t want to hate the last 5 miles, or even the last 3 miles & have to fight my body’s resistance to each single step, because I know what that’s like – it’s so tough.
So, writing my thoughts, hopes & fears down is aimed to purge myself of any bad juju I’m carrying & to face up to reality. The only way I’ll have the race I wish for is by better focus, training & eating right. Thursday evening training is getting me in the right place. In terms of my performance, the last session we had was a huge improvement on the previous week’s. Why? I guess I’m beginning to turn the tanker around & went out on a slow & steady 10k earlier in the week. Thursday’s long run was also in a beautiful evening that rained on us as we were tripping our way through country lanes with views over fields, encounters with roadside livestock & a route through villages I’d never been to. It rained so that my shorts stuck to my legs & my glasses were covered in raindrops. I also had pasta for lunch & chain-ate jelly sweets in the car on the way to training. The girls I run with are also part of the wonder of it – so encouraging & warm. Thank you ladies. I can’t say that I love running yet, (will I ever?) but I feel it’s going the right way, & at least I’m being honest to myself …!
